Photos from our Last Visit

"Tova e tvoe." (This is yours.)

"Ne, ne" (No, no)

Let's play in the sand.

Okay, mommy and daddy will play, too.

Her first driving lesson...just wait till she is 16!

Hmmm, so what do I do with this?

Do you want to swing? (Right before the swing hit her in the face.)

The dolly is in the red bucket.

Doll-no, book-yes

Today was our last orphanage visit and we spent both the morning and afternoon at the orphanage without a translator. Gracie came right to us this morning gave us hugs and took my hand. We played for a few minutes before the other children came outside. She was fascinated by the workmen who were putting in the new stones for part of the playground and kept wanting to go up and help them...They were filling wheelbarrows with sand and laying down square stones. In fact she had Mark retrieve a broken doll stroller from the roof of a shelter, filled it with balls and imitated them.

When we gave her the present, her doll, first thing this morning she just looked at it and said, "ne." She was totally uninterested in a doll. She did love being tickled and rode her tricycle around a lot. The "aunties" also had all of the children sitting together singing songs today and when she was paying attention to the "aunties" instead of the workers she smiled and sang several songs. The children went in early so we had a little bit of time alone before lunch. We got the doll out again and she put her in the swing and was pushing her. She pushed really hard and the swing came back and hit her in the face. She just screamed and big tears streamed down her face. Mark carried her inside and she stopped crying by the time we got her to lunch. Poor thing.

At noon today, we were picked up to go to the notary office which looked like a scary crack house on the outside with graffiti on the door and walls, but was actually a nice office inside. There we signed official papers changing her name to Grace Janette Daniela Dunham and giving the agency, VESTA, power of attorney for our petition. We also got an actual film from her chest x-ray to bring home with us. Then we ate Bulgarian pizza with amazing cheese and caught a cab to the apartment for a nap.

This afternoon, we really saw her interact with some of the children and learned some new things about her. She has a favorite red bucket and yellow shovel that she carries around and holds, even when she isn't near the sand. They seem to be her security toys. Today we watched her pick up other items and "trade" with the other children until she got "her" things. She also runs to get the blue car or the broken tricycle everyday. Today, the tricycle was gone so she was in the car. When one of her friends on the tricycle came near, she said the girl's name and "negotiated" a trade. They both jumped up and ran to the other vehicle. She also had an extra bucket and shovel that she took to another child on the playground. Later, she got out the broken doll stroller and filled it with balls. One of the "aunties" said something about a kukla (doll) and we told her that Gracie didn't want hers. After talking to the "auntie," Gracie went with me to get the doll and put her in the red bucket in the broken stroller. She pushed her around, but didn't want to touch her. The "aunties" took the children inside early so we had about 30 minutes alone with her on the playground. I think they did this just for us since it was our last day. She decided she liked the photo album today and identified people in the book. I told her it was hers in Bulgarian and she liked that. She carried it back in for supper, but didn't want the doll. We gave it to the "aunties" anyway. Maybe she will want the doll when she goes to bed. If we had only known we would have bought her a new bucket and shovel! As we were leaving, she smiled and gave us both kisses. She always says that she will see us tomorrow, but the "auntie" today said something about an airplane (semolet). She smiled really big, but I am sure that she really didn't understand. I really tried not to cry, but Gracie didn't seem to notice anyway.

Tonight the coordinator arranged for us to have supper with a single mom and her parents from Sweden who leave for home tomorrow from their first adoption trip. She is adopting a 7 year old boy. They speak some English so we could communicate. We both hope to be back in November for the second trip. We enjoyed Shopka salad, homemade sausage and grilled chicken and vegetables on a skewer. Flat bread and ice cream finished off the meal. Yummy.

When I got home I realized that all of my papers for my class were due today instead of on Sunday like I thought. Ooops! I just finished them (definitely not my best work) and turned them in. I am completely done with my classes! I need to go to bed now because we are visiting Rila Monastery tomorrow. I'll add photos tomorrow.

Day Four

Today Mark and I both slept until the alarm rang, which means we were both really tired. Mark spent much of the morning trying to decide whether he was going to need the antibiotic the doctor sent "just in case" but he has felt better as the day progressed. This morning Gracie wanted to play with her friends for much of the morning, but she would come back to check on us periodically and would look over to see if we were watching her. It was hilarious watching her playing with her friends, who picked her up and treated her like a little rag doll part of the time. She kept saying mama and tatko to her friends and the "aunties" and looking over at us. We decided to give her some space and sat to the side of the playground a little more today. Anytime any of the other kids would come over to use, she would come over and let them know that we were her mama and tatko. Four of her friends joined her on a large flat swing next to us and were giggling and acting silly. Rose said they were trying to "talk" with English words and were making up funny sounds.

For lunch, we decided to see if Bulgarian fast food is the same as US fast food. It's not. We ordered from KFC by pointing and nodding. Mark's chicken sandwich had a fried onion slab on it and the french fries were without salt. My pieces of chicken were actually three tiny hot wings. Oh, well. Mark's Pepsi Light (Diet Pepsi) came in a bottle, but my Pepsi was in a glass with ice. I felt daring and drank it anyway. So far, so good.

Petko took us this afternoon and left us to play with Gracie alone. She came right to me from her snack and took my hand. For the first time this week, the children in Gracie's play group spent the afternoon playing outside so we had a lot of competition for her attention this afternoon, too. Gracie did play for about 30 minutes alone with both of us in the sandbox and we both helped her get around on a little tricycle. She can pedal if it is really smooth, but much of the playground is bumpy, so she likes to push herself with her feet on the ground. We also made a second foam photo frame to bring home with us, and we couldn't get the backs off of the stickers fast enough to suit her. Then she took the picture to show to the "aunties" and all of her friends. She found our small Bulgarian phrasebook and took it to show to her best friend, Emanwewa, too. They loved flipping the pages and looking at the fold-out map of Sofia. I think she liked that the book was so tiny. Gracie smiled all afternoon.

For supper tonight we had banitsa, which is a typical Bulgarian dish we baked in the apartment that is a kind of rolled filo pastry stuffed with cheese and spinach filling. It was great, and Mark's stomach is back to normal. I am doing a load of laundry in the combination washer and dryer. Hmmm...Why do they have this technology in Bulgaria, but I haven't seen one in the US?

I'm happy today! See my photo project.

A Better Day

Today was sooooo much better! I told Rose that I was worried that Gracie thought that she was her mother, and she assured us that it is normal for the child to bond with the interpreter. I think she realized why I was concerned though, when Gracie called her mom several times and did not want to come to us at all this morning. So, she told Gracie that she was going to the bathroom and gave us about an hour while she waited around the corner and out of Gracie's view. After a little while, Gracie played with Mark in the sand, played "Kade Mama?" which is our version of "Where's mommy?" She unwrapped and played with the stacking/nesting boxes and looked at the photo album with us. She loved dumping out all of the boxes and trying to get them all back into the box. She was not interested at all in making a tower. She didn't seem to recognize herself in the photo album, but she kissed the little girl and smiled everytime she saw her. She kept pointing out "botko" which is the Bulgarian word for "big brother" and grandpa will be happy to know that she called him "botko" too! She was also thrilled with the "salt sticks." She kept saying that she wanted them on previous days, but the translator told us "sour sticks" and we thought they were Twizzlers from her description. By accident we brought the right thing and Gracie was very happy. We took our orphanage gifts today, but the director and assistant director were both gone, so we will take theirs on Friday. Right before we left at noon, Gracie said that she loved Rose and mama! That is improvement. When we walked her back in to the orphanage, the workers stripped her down and immediately put her into a huge sink for a bath before lunch. You may have noticed that she has on two different outfits everyday. She loves dirt and sand...a true gardener/farmer at heart.

Between 12 and 3:30, we took a taxi to the historic district with map in hand and saw St. Alexander Nevski's Memorial Church, the National Library, St. Sofia Church and Bulgaria's Parliament. We ate a great gyro that had cucumbers and french fries in it, bought flowers from the "flower lady" outside of Nevski Church and browsed the crafts and artisan displays. Our taxi driver for the return trip apparently is not the government taxi with a special tag, so the taxi ride downtown cost 4 lev and the ride home cost 20 lev. Yes, we really got ripped off. The driver kept saying he didn't know where we wanted to go and we had to show him on the map. We were just glad to get home.

This afternoon, Rose also gave us more space. When Rose was there, Gracie hugged and kissed her and wanted to sit on her lap, but as soon as she left, Gracie was fine. She spent more time with Mark, playing in the sand and retrieving digging toys from the shelter roof. She looked at the book again and called herself by name, as well as bratko, mama, tate (daddy), baba (grandma) and diado (grandpa). Everybody else is just family since she doesn't have the vocabulary to understand aunt, uncle, or cousin. We also helped her decorate a foam picture frame with sparkly foam stickers which holds a picture of the 3 of us. The workers said they will post this by her bed.

While we were playing with the nesting boxes, she pointed out katca (cat) and kuche (dog). When I told her monkey and turtle, she repeated them in English, too. She also sang a little bit today, but we couldn't tell the song, so we sang "The Wheels on the Bus" while she was swinging (lula) and she tried to sing a few words, too.

When we were leaving she told one of her "aunties" that she had a mommy and daddy. The "auntie" said that she used to ask her all the time when she was going to get a mommy and daddy. She told Gracie that she was a lucky girl. I think we are the lucky ones.

We walked back to the mall for more water and "salt sticks," ate at the Bulgarian restaurant and changed some money. I feel so much better after today. I thanked Rose several times for giving us more private time today. We made progress.



My boxes are great!

Alexander Nevski Church

Inside the church...I took it after watching someone else take a picture and didn't know it was against the rules, so we bought a book of photos, too.

St. Synod

Yummy salt sticks.

Today gets mixed reviews...

After having such a wonderful day yesterday, today did not go very well. When we arrived, Gracie seemed tired and totally disinterested in us. We thought she was getting sick, but she kept yawning, so we think that we just wore her out yesterday. The orphanage has scheduled our visits outside with her all the time, but they really don't want us to interact with the other children because it disrupts the routine. All the children want to hug us and talk to us. Gracie didn't want to play with us at all. She wanted to play with her friends (who are all out with their group at the same time we are there) or by herself. She talked to Rose some and we pushed her on the swing, but that was it. Her best friend loved the playdoh and punched out paper dolls, but Gracie did not. She did like being measured and played with the measuring tape for awhile, but she didn't want playdoh, crayons, the beachball, a book, cookies or even the water today. She ignored us (and she isn't a teenager, yet!)

Well, this afternoon was better because the other kids were inside, and she started bonding. She was cuddly, gave a lot of kisses and wanted to be held...just not by us. She spent most of the afternoon interacting with the translator, Rose. She is young, cute, fun and speaks Bulgarian so she has a lot of advantages over us. Rose held her a lot and Gracie kept asking to sit on her lap and taking Rose toys to play with. We could see Gracie's sweet personality, but it was disappointing, too, because Rose will be there everyday for the rest of the week. Gracie patted her face and just loved on her. She is a really sweet little girl. She really loves to play in the sand, too. She fills the bucket and dumps in out over and over. We have been told that a child can only bond with one person at a time, and so we may not really get much of a chance for bonding until we pick her up on the next trip.

We tried taking new activities for her today, and we went to a toy store and bought her stacking/nesting boxes for tomorrow. She really liked putting the crayons in the box and dumping them out, so we are hoping she will like them. We also found out that the orphanage director is not coming in at all this week, so we won't get to meet her. The paperwork for the adoption had our name spelled wrong on it and was for the wrong US immigration petition, too. The good news is that we are grandfathered under the old paperwork which usually moves faster and it should still all be ready to sign while we are here. This is good news.

We got some photos developed today of Gracie with us to add to her photo album, rode the train downtown, walked around the city historical district and went to the City Center Mall. My feet are tired.

An Exciting First Day!

Our afternoon was just as exciting as our morning. When we walked in, Gracie ran to Gail and told her that she slept well. We then went back outside to the playground and spent the afternoon there. She had fun throwing and kicking a beachball that we brought and soon she discovered the game of "fetch" where she would kick the ball into the weeds and Gail or I had to retrieve it. Then we got out some crayons and she colored for a little while. I think she had more fun dumping them out of the box and putting them back in than she actually did coloring. The afternoon went quickly and she gave us both hugs and kisses and told us that we had to come back tomorrow and bring more cookies. (She really liked the little Lorna Doone cookies.) Although she is only four, she told us that she was five and later changed it to six. We know she can count to six! It was a wonderful first day with her and we are looking forward what tomorrow will bring.

For dinner we walked to a Chinese restaurant a couple of blocks away. The food was excellent and we brought the rest back to the apartment. Also Petko brought Gail's lost luggage to her today and he set us up with a cell phone to use. Hurray!

She is wonderful!

We were picked up at 9:00 today by Petko and Rose (pronounced Rosie). When we arrived at the orphanage, we met with the assistant director who has had primary care of Gracie since she was 8 months old. She reviewed all of the medical information including the fact that she doesn't think that the doctor will continue her daily Singulair meds because she is doing so well. We found out that all of the directors are physicians in the baby houses and that she is due to be moved to a new orphanage for ages 4-7, but will stay here until we complete her adoption. She also had a urinalysis last week and all results were completely normal. Yeah!

During our visit, they brough Gracie in and she started jumping around and acting silly. Then she settled down and came over to see us. She sat on my lap and Mark's and she really does only weigh 21 pounds. She is a feather. They had her dressed up in this little sundress and hat and little pink shoes (obuvki) that she kept showing us. They had told her that she was going to meet someone special, but she called us mama and tatko (daddy) immediately. A little later we went outdoors and they separated us from her playgroup because all of the kids were crowding around and trying to get our attention. Every child was adorable and it just broke my heart. Gracie, who they call Dani (prounouced Donnie), kept telling the other kids that Tatko was pushing the swing and mommy gave her water...She is active, walks and runs well, and talks constantly. Even though she is one of the oldest kids, she is also the smallest.

She loved the bubbles, but she wanted to hold the bottle and the wand herself and kept putting her lips up to the wand when she would blow. She had bubble soap all over her face. She loves to swing and moved from one to the other where she would sit for 5 0r 10 minutes at a time. She tried to ride a little tricycle but the peddles were broken and she had to push it with her feet. Her knee is all scabbed up and when I asked her, "Boli li te?" (Does it hurt?), she shook her head "no" which means "yes." It really throws me off when people here shake their heads the opposite way.

When the other kids went in for lunch, she asked if she could go for a ride in the car. Finally, she went in for lunch, gave us all hugs and kisses, and we left. We get to go back from 4:30-6:00 today and will have the same schedule for Tuesday through Friday. We need to get more activities to take with us. She is a busy little girl.

We went to a large mall for lunch (mostly international stores) and had shopka salad, sausage, peppers stuffed with cheese and tomatoes, and a creamed chicken and potato stew which were all typical Bulgarian dishes. I could definitely adapt to Bulgarian food. It was delicious. Well, Mark is napping and I should, too...jetlag...Enjoy a few photos from today!

Here is our first photo together!

Tatko and Gracie

Bubbles taste bad.

This is her bed.

We're here!

We are in Bulgaria. I can't believe we will meet Gracie tomorrow! The theme of the trip is flexibility...Since we planned to embrace every aspect of the trip as just another part of the adventure, we are smiling and creating an awesome story.

The flights went great and we had no problem at all with London Heathrow or our connections. In fact we had just enough time to go through security, stop at the restroom and board the bus to the plane to Sofia. Nearly went straight from one plane to the next. We met a great lady on the flight from London to Sofia who helped us with some of our limited language attempts, too. She had been a midwife in Bulgaria and had worked with several of the orphanages. She cried when she found out that we were adopting and just kept telling us how wonderful that it was.

When we landed, we waited and waited for our luggage...It is hard to miss purple bags with bright pink TSA locks. But there was another family from the US who had the exact same luggage. Well eventually, we were the only two families waiting at the luggage carousel. Both of us are missing a purple checked bag. It was mine, wouldn't you know.

We prepared for this, so I had two shirts and two pairs of pants in Mark's bag. I don't really think anyone will care that I have on brown shoes with my black pants...I really would have liked to have had my curling iron, but Mark and I walked around for a couple of hours and pointed, smiled and grunted at a few Bulgarian shop owners until we bought some pink plastic rollers to use with a hair dryer. I think mom used to put those pink rollers in my hair when I was 5...LOL

Well, our driver took us to the "supermarket," I use that word loosely, since the whole store was about the size of our garage so we could buy food. Well we got some kind of cheese with a sheep on the label (nasty), some fruit, breakfast cereal and lots of bottled water. Of course, as soon as we got to the apartment, I brushed my teeth with the sink water. Oops! I hope I don't need that antibiotic tomorrow, but at least it was in Mark's bag.

The apartment is amazing. We have two bedrooms, one with working air-conditioning and twin beds. The air in the one with the queen bed and the naked lady artwork isn't working. I wouldn't let Mark go in there anyway... We have a kitchen, dining area, living area and bath with a jetted tub on the 6th (top) floor of an apartment building. Oh, and by the way, today is our 12th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Mark!

You'll see from the photos that the outside and corridors of this building are a complete contrast to the inside. We saw this as we were driving through Sofia, too. Lots of beautiful mountains and new construction next to run down apartment buildings and store fronts. We found a park that we think was built during the communist era with crumbling walkways and statues and a gorgeous fountain. We also bought two snacks at a little shop, and for anyone who has seen our precious video of Gracie, she ate these same pretzels and fed the cheese curls to the birds. We are snacking on these right now!

Tomorrow, Petko will pick us up at 9:00 a.m. to take us to the orphanage. He expects we will stay until about 11:30, leave while the children nap, and return around 3:30 for a couple more hours. He said we will probably do this Monday through Friday! We get lots of time with our little girl. Now, we need sleep. More tomorrow.

I think it is going to be HOT!

I just checked the weather on the sidebar widget (scroll down to view it) and after two weeks of beautiful temperatures in the 80's in Sofia, the forecast for Sunday, when we arrive, has a predicted high temperature of 102 degrees. Since they don't have air conditioning in most of the buildings in Bulgaria, it is no wonder that offices close until mid-September. At least Monday looks to be back to normal.

Packing

I have been working on our packing list...Here is what I know so far:

• documents: passports, apostilled documents, driver's license, credit cards, insurance cards, traveler's insurance information, ATM cards, tickets, itinerary, copies of all of the credit cards and information to keep as a backup
• gifts: clutch purses and body lotion, gift bags, tissue paper, an emergency flashlight,, a shawl/scarf, candy for kids
• electronics: travel alarm, laptop, flash drive, power strip, converter plug, a blank CD, camera, battery charger for camera, video camera, extra memory card, cords for video cam/computer, extra batteries (packaged separately to meet airline requirements), mini tripod, hair dryer, curling iron
• toiletries: shampoo/conditioner, hairspray, deodorant, body lotion, toothbrushes, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, after shave, face wash, face cream, Q-tips, eye drops, contact solution, makeup, brush, shower gel, emery board
• medicine: Cipro (prescription), Immodium AD, bandaids, anti-bacterial lotion, bug towelettes, ibuprofen, alka-seltzer, inhaler, allergy medicine, sunscreen
• extra contacts, glasses, sunglasses
• Bulgarian travel guide and phrase book
• laundry soap tablets, 2 plastic hangars, roll of bubble wrap
• Things for Gracie: The doll, crayons, coloring book, bubbles, lacing cards, photo frame craft, beach ball, photo album, book
• Clothes for Gail: tennis shoes, black shoes, brown sandals, socks, underwear, belt, pajamas, 8 shirts (I tried for fewer, but...), 3 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of capris, black sweater, light weight jacket, jewelry pouch (cheap stuff only)
• Clothes for Mark: Mostly long pants, short-sleeved, wrinkle-free dress shirts and polo shirts.
• 2 money belts, 2 luggage locks (TSA approved)
• breath strips, gum, mints
• purse and/or bag
• book for me, sudoku for Mark
• pen and small notebook
• crisp new $20, $50, and $100's

Now the key is to get all of this to fit into two carry-ons and 2 checked bags, with all of it divided up so that we can survive a couple of days if our luggage is lost. British Airways says the free checked bags must be under 51 pounds and 90 cm x 75 cm x 43 cm. We also get a carry on bag that is less than 56 cm x 45 cm x 25 cm.
I want to pack it up now, but I have to finish 4 assignments for my class before I leave and submit my action research project to my principal for approval. Deadlines have a way of really getting me focused...back to work...

What if?

I spent about eight hours looking up medical terms on the Internet last night and today as I studied the newest medical report on Gracie. Between the medical jargon and the translation from Bulgarian, it is difficult to truly know the state of her health right now. Some concerns we had seen in previous reports, but a lot of the details were new. I discovered that her verbal skills have improved by 12 months in the last 9 months, but she isn't growing very well...one centimeter and .7 kg in 9 months. This could be the result of poor nutrition, parasites, kidney or lung problems, but we just don't know. I did find out that she had hernia surgery in January, attends a "class" with other children over age 3, plays well with the other children, and knows and can show her age.

Some of the diagnoses and test results are frightening because I don't know what the results are supposed to be, so Mark and I considered paying $400 for a medical record review by this well-known international adoption specialist. Then I had to ask that really important question...Would the opinion of a specialist make us change our minds about adopting Gracie? Was there any good reason to spend the $400?

Considering this brought back difficult emotions from about 20 years ago. After a series of tests, I was told that 2-year-old Vince was speech aphasic, would never say two syllables back to back, and would not attend traditional school with his twin brother. I remember looking at his sweet, little angel face and curly hair and mourning the loss of my expectations for him and for me. I knew I would probably never hear my son say, "I love you, Mommy!" I cried a lot, but I didn't feel regret that he was my child, not ever, not for one second did I think that he was less valuable or less my son because of a diagnosis from some specialist or limitations on his abilities. In that sadness, I remember this overwhelming feeling of motherly responsibility...Vince was really going to need me to be there for him. I had to be his protector and advocate. He would need for me to love him exactly as he was, without disappointment or regret.

After pouring over that medical form, I feel like I am being asked to do the same thing again, however this time it is with a child I have never met. Mark and I knew when we started this journey that our child might have health problems or limitations just from being an orphan and living in an orphanage. In fact, we had to take classes and study institutional delays before we were approved to adopt. But it is easy to discuss hypothetical situations and difficult to truly know how you will feel if you face this situation. It is sort of like discussing your opinions about divorce when you are in a good marriage. It is impossible to predict how you will actually feel or react in a situation until you are actually facing it. The mystery of this newest medical report has forced us to decide how we will respond to potential "bad news." What if her lungs don't recover? Would a medical condition, even one that would significantly shorten her life, make us change our minds about bringing her home? Could we cope with the worst case scenarios?

We tearfully agreed that it doesn't matter to us what we find out next week in Bulgaria or from the doctors when we get her home. It just doesn't matter. We know that God chose Gracie for us, and He doesn't make mistakes! Every child deserves a family and if Gracie is sick, she will need our love and care even more than if she is healthy. We put the medical report away and watched the sweet video of our little girl on the other side of the world.

*******

As Vince said, "I love you, Mom" and left for the ballgame tonight, I had to smile. I know God still does miracles.

"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and

not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11

Travel Dates!

I just got an email confirming that we will arrive in Sofia, Bulgaria on July 26! We leave in 12 days and should meet Gracie in less than 2 weeks.

So, I just talked to our coordinator and the travel agent about our flights during this peak travel time. I guess this is the "high holiday" season in Europe and everyone wants to visit the US for the holiday. We are extending our in country stay by one day to get a reasonable return flight, but I don't really mind. This is our chance to take in as much of Bulgaria as possible. The travel agent's fare was about $600 higher than the price online, so we decided to book the tickets ourselves. Here is our itinerary:

Depart from Chicago O'Hare on July 25 at 5:25 pm, connect in London and arrive in Sofia on July 26 at 8:30 am. Return on August 2 at 6:45 am, connect in London and arrive in Chicago at 11:45 am. All of the flights are with British Airways, so our connections should be at close terminals in an English-speaking country, too.

We got the official referral!

As I was leaving for a haircut and to get documents apostilled in Springfield, I got a call from Kay at Tree of Life...our official, signed referral from the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria had arrived! We should have certain travel dates on Monday after consultation with the orphanage director. What a relief. Kay sent a copy of the referral by email.

While I was in Springfield, I found the money belts we had been looking for (check out the luggage department at Bergner's). Since Bulgaria is primarily a cash economy, credit cards and traveler's checks are rarely accepted at hotels or shops. Usually you have to go to a bank and pay a fee to get a cash advance or cash a traveler's check. So, the money belts will come in handy. I also found luggage locks that are airline approved and a couple of possible gifts for us to take with us on the trip. It is so hard to find something to give as a show of appreciation to the orphanage director and nannies who have cared for your child for four years. How can any gifts really be appropriate?

When we got home, Mark and I opened the referral together. The photo on the referral is one we haven't seen before that looks like it was taken on the same day! She is smiling. What a doll.

Girlie Stuff

What fun! My friend, Julie, brought over boxes and boxes of girlie stuff...dresses, sweaters, a doll house, games, a horse costume, little pink and white shoes, jeans, coats...We have had several Lucky Ducks games with the boys, too. Mark put a battery into this alphabet refrigerator magnet game and we counted and sang along. It was so fun just imagining her in the cute little dresses and sitting on the floor playing Lucky Ducks with her big brothers. Do I hear, "Again, again?" Thank you so much, Julie. You are awesome!

More Paperwork

We didn't get a call today from the agency, so I guess that means that we still don't have our documents from Bulgaria so that we can travel soon. Mark always thinks that "no news is good news" but I think some news would be an improvement. We got our I-171H extension and the new FBI prints notarized today because we expect the others will be expired before court now. We will probably also need new physicals and letters from the doctor, but we haven't heard for sure about that. I need to take these to Springfield to be apostilled, but I'd like to wait until we know about the physicals. I really hate to make two trips. The good news is that it only costs $2 a document in Illinois. Some states charge $30 per page! If we do travel soon, it would be nice if we could carry these documents to Bulgaria and avoid the charges from FedEx, too.

I also have been working on the photo album for Gracie. We will be able to give her a few pictures of our family and I want them to be just right. We have photos of the house and her room, but I want the ones of our family to ease her fears and help her to transition. I have also been working on captions in English and Bulgarian so that her caretakers can help her to know who is in each photo. We decided to make two identical albums, one for her and one for us to keep in case hers doesn't make it home. It would be a nice keepsake for her.

Diversions

Today I finished and turned in all of my assignments for this week, 27 pages! It really helped to relax, talk to my parents yesterday, watch Blaise in the triathlon and talk through my lesson plans with Terri. She helped me to start thinking about school again, so that I could get focused. That has really been a problem lately.

I know Blaise wasn't particularly happy with his performance in the triathlon, 25th out of 265 individuals and a time of 1:45.00, but watching him again was wonderful. I have really missed being able to go to all of his meets since he is so far away. I was back to doing what I love--cheering and taking video. I know he was surprised to see Grandma and Grandpa Swaar there, too. It was a much better day.

Drowning

When I woke up this morning, I turned off the alarm and saw that Mark had already left for church since he has to sing at all three services. I got all dressed in my red, white and blue and left for the 9:30 service. It wasn't until I pulled into the Glad Tidings parking lot and noticed that there were no cars there that I realized today was Saturday! Mark was at work. And right there, I just turned off the van and sobbed. The "waves" during the last three days have been so stressful...the adrenaline and excitement of preparing to leave in 4 days, then the disappointment of learning that we still don't have a travel date, trying to figure out how to complete three assignments for my master's class before we left (about 35 typed pages), planning and preparing for a Fourth of July cookout at our house, worrying about an email I shouldn't have sent, getting almost no sleep for two days, and still being wife and mom. We could have been getting on a plane headed for Bulgaria, but I was sitting in an empty parking lot instead.

I have had a lot of practice in acting calm in the middle of a storm, but today...I was overwhelmed. I cried off and on all day. Even the boys knew I was out of sorts and I think it worried them, too. On days like today, the adoption journey feels like you are floating on a tiny raft in the middle of huge ocean waves, all alone, without a life jacket. You start paddling in one direction just hoping that you are going in the right direction toward shore, but knowing that at any moment one of those waves could destroy your raft and throw you coughing and sputtering into the sea. Today I'm drowning.

I remember the last time that adoption paperwork didn't arrive on time and timelines kept being changed and extended. We got our hopes up and then got a call saying that the Chinese government had decided, "they could find a better family" than ours. And today I realized that the same thing could happen to us again...

Today, I put away all of the suitcases; I put the beautiful little lavender doll and toys in the closet and I didn't watch the video tonight with Mark. I just couldn't...

Another Delay

Well, after getting crisp bills to take on the trip, contacting the travel agent to schedule flights, scheduling vacation time, emailing the coordinator with questions, calling six toy stores looking for a Gund Kiana doll in stock, reordering the doll to be delivered by overnight express mail (this $13 doll has gotten really expensive), meeting Mark to notarize the new FBI prints and I-171H, contacting our visa card to let them know we will be traveling, calling my parents, making a list of gifts to buy, making "to do" lists for Mark and me, checking the cost of upgrading our Vonage home phone to international rates for 1 month ($10), and being awake most of the night in anticipation, we got another email saying that they aren't going to get our approval letter this week. We aren't leaving in 4 days after all. Now they are saying that we may travel on July 21. Ugh! I was feeling frantic with so much to do, but I had my heart set on leaving this weekend.

This is exactly why international adoption isn't for the faint-hearted. In a second, all of our planning was thrown out the window; emotions plummeted from panicked enthusiasm to tired disappointment. Now, I just feel exhausted...

We're Going in 4 Days!

At 1:00 a.m. I was working on my paper for class and noticed that we received an email from Kay Montes, our international adoption coordinator. Here is what it said:

Dear Kay,
We try to understand when MOJ will give us the referral (Information) for Duhnam and they said us that maybe till the end of this week we will have it. Could you ask the family if they could arrive on Sunday - July 4 or Monday July 5 - that's the earlier date. The next date on which the family could arrive is in August. But we will confirm you in few days when we have the referral in our office.

I don't know if they mean Sunday July 5 or Monday July 6 since the days and dates don't match, but either way that would mean we will leave in 3 or 4 days!!!! I feel the panic setting in. We need to do so many things to be ready to go...buy gifts for everyone, get our updated documents apostilled, book flights, pack, make a photo book to leave with her, compile documents to carry with us, and complete three assignments for my master's degree classes that will be due when we are gone. My heart is racing...Could we really see her next week for the first time? Really? God is definitely throwing those doors open. I feel like I am being whisked along and can hardly catch my breath. When God takes control it is a wild ride!

Dolls

We think we have finally found the perfect doll to give to Gracie as a gift on our first trip. We didn't think our parameters were that unusual until we actually started shopping: washable, soft, appropriate for a toddler. It was really hard to decide. Most of the dolls were surface washable only, made noise, had hard faces or bodies,or had rattles and teething rings attached. We wanted something lovable, yet durable. I ordered a doll I found through Baby Age on Amazon last night and I can't wait to see if it really looks like the photos. This one is really cute! Check out the Kiana doll from Gund that we bought. She is dressed in lavendar with brown hair like Gracie! I hope she is really soft...