My mind is constantly considering all possibilities because I don't like being surprised. It's not that I am a pessimist, I just like to be prepared, so I plan. For instance, right now if you go into my closet, the clothes are organized already for our first trip to Bulgaria. I want to travel light, so I am trying to get all of the clothes I pack to go with one color of shoes. :-) I can't get it to work out, though, so I think I'll have to go with 2 instead, black and cream. Just to make sure that everything will fit in my small bag, I packed everything today and weighed the suitcase...23 pounds! Now that is amazing since I usually take five changes of clothes for one overnight stay. Then, I hung everything back up so it won't be wrinkled and made a list of things I still need to purchase.
For clothes, considering the possibilities is a good idea, but some of the other scenarios that I come up with in my mind are troubling. I have been wondering lately about whether we should change her name. Are we just adding extra confusion to a traumatic transition? And, what if she doesn't want to be adopted? Everything and everyone she has ever known will be left behind. She doesn't know what a family is or that she needs better medical care, she will only know that we have changed everything that made her feel secure. And, what if she doesn't like us? Sometimes I imagine her ignoring us during our visit, or screaming when she sees Mark because she is never around men, or hanging on to us and crying when we have to leave her for months while the adoption is being finalized, or screaming through the 10 hour plane trip. What if I don't like her immediately when we meet, or we don't "connect" after all of this anticipation? Will I have the energy to keep up with a four year old? Am I ready for the broad range of emotions that I could feel during this time? Will I ever look in the mirror and ask, "What were you thinking?"
The honest answer is yes, probably. And, most parents would tell you that at some point, when their child was throwing that tantrum in the mall, or the irate driver was yelling because your children were throwing pine cones at cars, or the principal called with a discipline referral, that there were brief times when they also wondered, "What was I thinking?" It is part of being a parent. If we love our children all the time and like them most of the time, we have been pretty successful.
It is funny that I didn't worry about whether my infant sons would like me or whether I would like them...I didn't even think about it. I'm guessing that most mothers don't, and yet many have the "baby blues" and experience negative feelings they didn't anticipate. Did reality fail to meet their high expectations? I hope that considering many of the possibilities will help me be ready for anything. I know that children come to us already programmed with God-given personalities waiting to emerge. By imagining all of the possibilities, I am setting the stage for a time of discovery and allowing Gracie to write her own script. I can't wait to see the show.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Searching for Information
I love investigating. Since I can't really DO anything except wait, I search. So far I have found a nonprofit organization that works with several orphanages in Bulgaria. Of course, I also found a listing of orphanages and their addresses and Ivan Rilski must be as common as Abraham Lincoln. At least three different orphanages are named Ivan Rilski. So of course, I tried to find the addresses on Live Search so I could see if any of them had a park nearby that looked like the one in our video, with no success. I also have found several Sofia Webcams, read through every travelogue I can find, checked out the hotels, mapped the gold brick scenic route through Sofia, downloaded a currency converter, checked out the Lonely Planet Bulgaria book from the library and downloaded three different language programs. We also ordered the Bulgarian Phrases CD that is made just for adoptive parents. Now, I walk around trying to have conversations with myself using the 25 phrases that I can speak in Bulgarian. I'll be fine as long as Gracie knows the exact same 25 phrases.
We also watch the video of Gracie together everyday. Usually Mark pulls it up right before he goes to bed and I sit on his knee to watch with him. We laugh at the same parts every time and have several phrases that she says memorized. (Too bad we have no idea what she is saying most of the time.) In one part she points to the slide and says something that sounds like "I love it!" We really have actually translated "Come here, dog" and "She's not afraid." Obviously our hope to communicate throught those 25 phrases is doubtful. Next on my learning list are the numbers through 20 and the colors.
We also watch the video of Gracie together everyday. Usually Mark pulls it up right before he goes to bed and I sit on his knee to watch with him. We laugh at the same parts every time and have several phrases that she says memorized. (Too bad we have no idea what she is saying most of the time.) In one part she points to the slide and says something that sounds like "I love it!" We really have actually translated "Come here, dog" and "She's not afraid." Obviously our hope to communicate throught those 25 phrases is doubtful. Next on my learning list are the numbers through 20 and the colors.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The MOJ
The Ministry of Justice (MOJ) in Bulgaria is the entity that actually matches orphans and prospective parents. In an effort to keep busy during the wait, I have learned to use Google Translator to decifer their website that actually lists the children with special needs and the actions that the MOJ takes at each meeting. Well, I found us on the site...On 28/10/2008 we found Gracie's number, birthdate, and description, so we know she is child number 210. On May 12, under the candidates who "expressed interest in adoption of a specific child" it says United States which looks something like CAW in Cyrillic and "yes." They accepted our firm commitment for adoption on May 12!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Travel Tips
When I talked to Kay today, she told me some information about what to expect on our first trip. Here are a few of the details we discussed:
1. Our 4 1/2 year old probably sleeps in a crib, because the baby houses usually don't have any other place for them to sleep. We can ask about this and other questions when we meet the orphanage director.
2. Most orphans are chronically dehydrated, because diapers are expensive.
3. Most offices in Bulgaria do not have air-conditioning so it is difficult to conduct business in the summer.
4. Most Bulgarians have a sense of style that includes more formal dress than Americans are used to. Plan to wear dress pants or a skirt and no flip-flops. Most Bulgarians do not wear shorts.
5. Usually, the children are told that you might be their parents before you meet them for the first time.
6. Most orphans are taught that getting a mommy and daddy is the best thing they could ever hope for.
7. Usually orphans would eat oatmeal with a little milk on it for breakfast, soup for lunch, a small snack or a glass of milk or tea after nap, and a bowl of soup for supper. That would be all of the food and drink for the day.
8. Because the children are in a very sterile environment, they will be easily overstimulated by colors and clutter. It is helpful to scale back on toys, visitors and decorations to give children time to adjust when they get home.
9. We should take gifts for the orphanage director, driver and translator.
10. If we take snacks to share with our child or the other children, we should choose something that is not too rich.
11. Drink bottled water while in Bulgaria and be sure to try the shopska salad!
12. Bring cash because credit cards are not widely accepted.
1. Our 4 1/2 year old probably sleeps in a crib, because the baby houses usually don't have any other place for them to sleep. We can ask about this and other questions when we meet the orphanage director.
2. Most orphans are chronically dehydrated, because diapers are expensive.
3. Most offices in Bulgaria do not have air-conditioning so it is difficult to conduct business in the summer.
4. Most Bulgarians have a sense of style that includes more formal dress than Americans are used to. Plan to wear dress pants or a skirt and no flip-flops. Most Bulgarians do not wear shorts.
5. Usually, the children are told that you might be their parents before you meet them for the first time.
6. Most orphans are taught that getting a mommy and daddy is the best thing they could ever hope for.
7. Usually orphans would eat oatmeal with a little milk on it for breakfast, soup for lunch, a small snack or a glass of milk or tea after nap, and a bowl of soup for supper. That would be all of the food and drink for the day.
8. Because the children are in a very sterile environment, they will be easily overstimulated by colors and clutter. It is helpful to scale back on toys, visitors and decorations to give children time to adjust when they get home.
9. We should take gifts for the orphanage director, driver and translator.
10. If we take snacks to share with our child or the other children, we should choose something that is not too rich.
11. Drink bottled water while in Bulgaria and be sure to try the shopska salad!
12. Bring cash because credit cards are not widely accepted.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Hello Mommy!
June 9, 2009...The Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria approved our paperwork and match us officially with Daniela (aka Gracie). When Kay Montes called, Adam was home and answered the phone. He told Kay, that he was mine son and handed me the phone. Kay said that we had been approved and would travel in about 3 weeks. I was jumping around and trying to listen. I remember that I asked her, "So what do we do now?" and she told me to just enjoy the day and that she would get back with us with details in a few days. She definitely doesn't know me very well. I wanted all of the details now. We have no travel information, no idea what to expect to bring, no idea if we should schedule plane tickets, no idea about anything.
As soon as I hung up the phone, Adam was standing there looking at me with that, "are you alright" look. I grabbed him and started jumping around the kitchen screaming...and wet my pants! :-) Reality check...I'm not as young as I feel.
I called Mark right away and left a message saying that I needed for him to call me at home. He didn't even suspect that I would give him this good news. I wish I could have seen his face, but I just couldn't wait to tell someone. I called my parents right after Mark and I could tell Mom was crying on the other end of the line. She was going to be a grandma, again, and now she could actually tell anyone she wanted to tell. Dad was mowing the lawn when I called, so I know Mom enjoyed being able to share that news with him, too. Mark called his family when he got home to spread the joy.
We wanted to tell Blaise and Vince, but they had plans and called to say that they would not be home till late, so we waited until later that evening to tell them the good news in person. We met Terri, Sara and Larry at our favorite restaurant, The Royal International Buffet, for supper to celebrate. Now...I just want the details!
As soon as I hung up the phone, Adam was standing there looking at me with that, "are you alright" look. I grabbed him and started jumping around the kitchen screaming...and wet my pants! :-) Reality check...I'm not as young as I feel.
I called Mark right away and left a message saying that I needed for him to call me at home. He didn't even suspect that I would give him this good news. I wish I could have seen his face, but I just couldn't wait to tell someone. I called my parents right after Mark and I could tell Mom was crying on the other end of the line. She was going to be a grandma, again, and now she could actually tell anyone she wanted to tell. Dad was mowing the lawn when I called, so I know Mom enjoyed being able to share that news with him, too. Mark called his family when he got home to spread the joy.
We wanted to tell Blaise and Vince, but they had plans and called to say that they would not be home till late, so we waited until later that evening to tell them the good news in person. We met Terri, Sara and Larry at our favorite restaurant, The Royal International Buffet, for supper to celebrate. Now...I just want the details!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Our Timeline
Here is a (not so) short listing of our adoption process so far:
Vietnam
3-5-2007 Sent in our first homestudy application for Vietnam
4-20-2007 First homestudy visit with social worker #1
5-1-2007 Individual homestudy interviews with social worker #1
5-23-2007 Home study interviews with social worker #1
6-12-2007 Home visit by social worker #1
6-26-2007 Home study interviews with social worker #1
10-5-2007 Received incomplete home study with 19 factual errors
10-8-2007 Assigned social worker #2
10-18-2007 Home visit with social worker #2
11-12-2007 Home study sent to USCIS
1-30-2008 I-171h advanced processing completed for Vietnam. New applications discouraged pending renewal of Joint Agreement between Vietnam and US
China
1-30-2008 Applied to China Special Needs program
2-15-2008 LOI sent to China
4-15-2008? Notified that our LOI was denied and special needs program format changed
Bulgaria
7-31-2008 Applied to Tree of Life for Bulgaria program
8-7-2008 Home study visit with social worker #2
11-6-2008 Applied for change of country with USCIS
12-20-2008 Repeated biometrics in St. Louis
1-14-2009 Received request for evidence from USCIS and contacted SW #2
2-25-2009 Received a USCIS denial of petition for non-compliance by HS agency
3-26-2009 New Orphan Officer calls us at home to reverse the denial and issue I-171h
4-8-2009 Social Worker #2 leaves agency and Social Worker #3 takes over our case
4-16-2009 Received Gracie's photos and medicals
4-17-2009 Submitted firm family commitment for adoption to Bulgaria
4-21-2009 Submitted dossier to TOL
5-12-2009 Ministry of Justice accepts firm family commitment
6-9-2009 Ministry of Justice approves dossier and matches us with Gracie
7-12-2009 Anticipated travel date to meet our daughter!
Vietnam
3-5-2007 Sent in our first homestudy application for Vietnam
4-20-2007 First homestudy visit with social worker #1
5-1-2007 Individual homestudy interviews with social worker #1
5-23-2007 Home study interviews with social worker #1
6-12-2007 Home visit by social worker #1
6-26-2007 Home study interviews with social worker #1
10-5-2007 Received incomplete home study with 19 factual errors
10-8-2007 Assigned social worker #2
10-18-2007 Home visit with social worker #2
11-12-2007 Home study sent to USCIS
1-30-2008 I-171h advanced processing completed for Vietnam. New applications discouraged pending renewal of Joint Agreement between Vietnam and US
China
1-30-2008 Applied to China Special Needs program
2-15-2008 LOI sent to China
4-15-2008? Notified that our LOI was denied and special needs program format changed
Bulgaria
7-31-2008 Applied to Tree of Life for Bulgaria program
8-7-2008 Home study visit with social worker #2
11-6-2008 Applied for change of country with USCIS
12-20-2008 Repeated biometrics in St. Louis
1-14-2009 Received request for evidence from USCIS and contacted SW #2
2-25-2009 Received a USCIS denial of petition for non-compliance by HS agency
3-26-2009 New Orphan Officer calls us at home to reverse the denial and issue I-171h
4-8-2009 Social Worker #2 leaves agency and Social Worker #3 takes over our case
4-16-2009 Received Gracie's photos and medicals
4-17-2009 Submitted firm family commitment for adoption to Bulgaria
4-21-2009 Submitted dossier to TOL
5-12-2009 Ministry of Justice accepts firm family commitment
6-9-2009 Ministry of Justice approves dossier and matches us with Gracie
7-12-2009 Anticipated travel date to meet our daughter!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Miracles
It sometimes seems like every door is closed right before the Grace of God blows open all of the doors at once. For us, it seemed that God had closed the doors to ever adopting, and we were wondering if we had misunderstood what God wanted us to do. We had planned to have a couple more children when Mark and I married in 1997. Little did we know that we would endure tests, fertility clinics and two miscarriages before God would open our hearts to adopting. It's funny how we watched friends from church with their children adopted from overseas, heard the testimony of a special girl who was adopted at age 8, and even had the prompting of Mark's mother in her final hospital stay urging us to "get busy." Then when USCIS rejected our paperwork as incomplete with no option for appeal, we wondered if we had been out of God's will for years. Finally, we stopped struggling to make things happen the way we thought was best. We just stopped. At the time I wondered if we were giving up, but Mark and I both knew that we wanted to be in God's will more than we wanted another child. It wasn't a hopeless time; it was peaceful. God was good, all the time, every day. The blessings He had already given us were far greater than we could have ever hoped for or imagined. And when we stopped, God started.
Anyone who has worked with the US immigration department knows how difficult it is to get any information by mail or email, and I have never heard of anyone, except us, getting a personal phone call at home from USCIS. It is especially amazing that our file had been denied a month before the call and was no longer active. When Mark told me that I needed to listen to the message on our answering machine on Thursday, March 26, I thought that it was probably a garbled message from Blaise that we would try to decipher. LOL So when I heard this, I couldn't believe it:
Hello, this message is for Mr. and Mrs. Gail and Mark Dunham. This is Officer Michelle Colvert from Immigration. I am the new orphan officer here, and I just reviewed the denial that our previous officer sent you about denying the request for change of country, and I did see in there that she did make a mistake and miss a certain element that was required in the home study. It is there, so I reversed the decision. I am approving your request for change of country. The clerks will get the new I-171h typed up and get everything cabled off to Bulgaria, and I did have a question though for you about fingerprinting for Adam. Is he no longer living in your home? I know that you had the other two children printed in December, but I don't see anything on the paper saying that Adam was fingerprinted. Our main computer system is down today, so I can't go into the computer to check. So, if you could just email us back, the email address is chiadopt@dhs.gov and just let me know whether Adam still needs to be fingerprinted or if he is no longer living at home after college is over or what the situation with Adam is. Okay, thank you very much. Bye.
Mark had heard the message several hours before and was just waiting for me to finish my school work and get home. He didn't want to call me and miss seeing my face when I heard. We jumped around and we went out to eat to celebrate. But this was only the first miracle.
We hustled to complete our physicals, get new birth certificates, and notarize all of the documents so that they could be apostilled. When we thought we finally had the last documents ready to take to Springfield and had received the I-171h from immigration, Mark had to work overtime and couldn't get the apostilles. So, I called Kay, our program coordinator, to tell her they would be delayed. She told me that TOL had a file on one sweet little peanut who had not found a family. She told us that they had just gotten a new medical report on her and that the doctor said she had a normal life expectancy, but that she just needed a family to help her develop and keep her from being sick so often. We remembered this little girl's file from before and called Kay back to say, "yes!" We wanted her to be our little girl! We both knew God had chosen her for us and the medical information didn't matter. On April 16, 2009, God opened the door and we walked through. If Mark hadn't worked overtime, we would have sent in our dossier without talking to Kay that evening. We wouldn't have known that Gracie was waiting.
It took days with the online medical dictionary to grasp the medical interventions that she had endured because interstitial, parenchymal, parenteraly, and tachi-dyspnea aren't part of our daily vocabulary. What we discovered from researching is that 750 grams is 1.6 pounds, her birth weight. This fact alone means that according to one site on prematurity, she had a 40-70% survival rate and a 50% chance of having hearing and vision problems. Her vision and hearing were tested and appear to be normal. This little girl, who was delivered in a poor, developing country, received no prenatal care and had no parents advocating for her, is a fighter. I will always be thankful to the wonderful doctors and care-givers who valued her life. Four years later, she is a tiny, active, talkative little girl who will hopefully meet her family before she turns five. She truly is our miracle child!
Here is our dossier!
Anyone who has worked with the US immigration department knows how difficult it is to get any information by mail or email, and I have never heard of anyone, except us, getting a personal phone call at home from USCIS. It is especially amazing that our file had been denied a month before the call and was no longer active. When Mark told me that I needed to listen to the message on our answering machine on Thursday, March 26, I thought that it was probably a garbled message from Blaise that we would try to decipher. LOL So when I heard this, I couldn't believe it:
Hello, this message is for Mr. and Mrs. Gail and Mark Dunham. This is Officer Michelle Colvert from Immigration. I am the new orphan officer here, and I just reviewed the denial that our previous officer sent you about denying the request for change of country, and I did see in there that she did make a mistake and miss a certain element that was required in the home study. It is there, so I reversed the decision. I am approving your request for change of country. The clerks will get the new I-171h typed up and get everything cabled off to Bulgaria, and I did have a question though for you about fingerprinting for Adam. Is he no longer living in your home? I know that you had the other two children printed in December, but I don't see anything on the paper saying that Adam was fingerprinted. Our main computer system is down today, so I can't go into the computer to check. So, if you could just email us back, the email address is chiadopt@dhs.gov and just let me know whether Adam still needs to be fingerprinted or if he is no longer living at home after college is over or what the situation with Adam is. Okay, thank you very much. Bye.
Mark had heard the message several hours before and was just waiting for me to finish my school work and get home. He didn't want to call me and miss seeing my face when I heard. We jumped around and we went out to eat to celebrate. But this was only the first miracle.
We hustled to complete our physicals, get new birth certificates, and notarize all of the documents so that they could be apostilled. When we thought we finally had the last documents ready to take to Springfield and had received the I-171h from immigration, Mark had to work overtime and couldn't get the apostilles. So, I called Kay, our program coordinator, to tell her they would be delayed. She told me that TOL had a file on one sweet little peanut who had not found a family. She told us that they had just gotten a new medical report on her and that the doctor said she had a normal life expectancy, but that she just needed a family to help her develop and keep her from being sick so often. We remembered this little girl's file from before and called Kay back to say, "yes!" We wanted her to be our little girl! We both knew God had chosen her for us and the medical information didn't matter. On April 16, 2009, God opened the door and we walked through. If Mark hadn't worked overtime, we would have sent in our dossier without talking to Kay that evening. We wouldn't have known that Gracie was waiting.
It took days with the online medical dictionary to grasp the medical interventions that she had endured because interstitial, parenchymal, parenteraly, and tachi-dyspnea aren't part of our daily vocabulary. What we discovered from researching is that 750 grams is 1.6 pounds, her birth weight. This fact alone means that according to one site on prematurity, she had a 40-70% survival rate and a 50% chance of having hearing and vision problems. Her vision and hearing were tested and appear to be normal. This little girl, who was delivered in a poor, developing country, received no prenatal care and had no parents advocating for her, is a fighter. I will always be thankful to the wonderful doctors and care-givers who valued her life. Four years later, she is a tiny, active, talkative little girl who will hopefully meet her family before she turns five. She truly is our miracle child!
Here is our dossier!
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