Too Many Tears

Nearly every significant event in my life has been marked by tears, and today they bubbled over several times. For anyone who knows me well, you understand that tears punctuate nearly every part of my life...I cry at weddings, funerals, graduations, departures to college, the day the boys drove away in the car for the first time, the first time they slept in "big" beds, the first time they slept through the night...Sometimes, I even cry in anticipation of events as I work through what is to come. Oddly, I cried through Adam's junior year in high school as I realized that I would be marking Adam's last year of high school the next year. Working through my feelings of what was to come helped me to stay composed when it was actually my turn to be the proud parent of a senior. I'm hoping today's tears will help me to remain composed when we pick up Grace at the orphanage.

Today I have been overwhelmed with the significance of December 14 in Grace's life. When she walks out of the orphanage with us, she will lose everything she has ever known and understood. She will lose her routines, her sense of security, the comfort of her own bed, her language, her name, and the people who have loved and cared for her. She will lose all that is familiar and will probably not even fathom the significance of the day. How could she? But someday, just as I feel after being on vacation, she will long for the comfort of routine. She may feel the way I do when we drive into the garage and are finally home from a long trip. Grace, however, will never get to go back "home" again. She is losing so much.

I'm thankful that Grace has the blessing of being naive. She doesn't know that she should have already been moved across the street to the orphanage for 4-7 year olds. She doesn't realize how long "forever" may be. She doesn't understand that the "aunties" have families of their own. Perhaps she has a vague notion that others belong in a way she does not, but probably her experiences keep her from truly having a reference point. Imagine trying to explain marriage if you had never seen that relationship. "Family" has to be just as foreign and elusive a concept for her. You see, until we walk away on December 14, she won't have ever experienced an alternative to the comforting predictability of the orphanage. You can't miss what you don't know exists. But after she joins our family, she will clearly miss all that she has left behind. Her security, language, cultural expectations, her bed, the favorite aunties, the foods that she especially loves, the social order, the little tricycle, Emanwewe, her bucket and shovel, her place at the table, the comfort of having every decision made for her...she will lose everything. 

I know that family is a wonderful, often unappreciated gift. But if I were in her place, I think I would be wondering when they were going to take me back. My heart breaks for her. In all of our joy, as we gain our hearts desire, I don't want to forget that she is losing so much. She does not need for me to be a blubbery mess, so I hope I am just getting these tears out of the way...