What if?

I spent about eight hours looking up medical terms on the Internet last night and today as I studied the newest medical report on Gracie. Between the medical jargon and the translation from Bulgarian, it is difficult to truly know the state of her health right now. Some concerns we had seen in previous reports, but a lot of the details were new. I discovered that her verbal skills have improved by 12 months in the last 9 months, but she isn't growing very well...one centimeter and .7 kg in 9 months. This could be the result of poor nutrition, parasites, kidney or lung problems, but we just don't know. I did find out that she had hernia surgery in January, attends a "class" with other children over age 3, plays well with the other children, and knows and can show her age.

Some of the diagnoses and test results are frightening because I don't know what the results are supposed to be, so Mark and I considered paying $400 for a medical record review by this well-known international adoption specialist. Then I had to ask that really important question...Would the opinion of a specialist make us change our minds about adopting Gracie? Was there any good reason to spend the $400?

Considering this brought back difficult emotions from about 20 years ago. After a series of tests, I was told that 2-year-old Vince was speech aphasic, would never say two syllables back to back, and would not attend traditional school with his twin brother. I remember looking at his sweet, little angel face and curly hair and mourning the loss of my expectations for him and for me. I knew I would probably never hear my son say, "I love you, Mommy!" I cried a lot, but I didn't feel regret that he was my child, not ever, not for one second did I think that he was less valuable or less my son because of a diagnosis from some specialist or limitations on his abilities. In that sadness, I remember this overwhelming feeling of motherly responsibility...Vince was really going to need me to be there for him. I had to be his protector and advocate. He would need for me to love him exactly as he was, without disappointment or regret.

After pouring over that medical form, I feel like I am being asked to do the same thing again, however this time it is with a child I have never met. Mark and I knew when we started this journey that our child might have health problems or limitations just from being an orphan and living in an orphanage. In fact, we had to take classes and study institutional delays before we were approved to adopt. But it is easy to discuss hypothetical situations and difficult to truly know how you will feel if you face this situation. It is sort of like discussing your opinions about divorce when you are in a good marriage. It is impossible to predict how you will actually feel or react in a situation until you are actually facing it. The mystery of this newest medical report has forced us to decide how we will respond to potential "bad news." What if her lungs don't recover? Would a medical condition, even one that would significantly shorten her life, make us change our minds about bringing her home? Could we cope with the worst case scenarios?

We tearfully agreed that it doesn't matter to us what we find out next week in Bulgaria or from the doctors when we get her home. It just doesn't matter. We know that God chose Gracie for us, and He doesn't make mistakes! Every child deserves a family and if Gracie is sick, she will need our love and care even more than if she is healthy. We put the medical report away and watched the sweet video of our little girl on the other side of the world.

*******

As Vince said, "I love you, Mom" and left for the ballgame tonight, I had to smile. I know God still does miracles.

"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and

not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11