Dreaming

My mind is constantly considering all possibilities because I don't like being surprised. It's not that I am a pessimist, I just like to be prepared, so I plan. For instance, right now if you go into my closet, the clothes are organized already for our first trip to Bulgaria. I want to travel light, so I am trying to get all of the clothes I pack to go with one color of shoes. :-) I can't get it to work out, though, so I think I'll have to go with 2 instead, black and cream. Just to make sure that everything will fit in my small bag, I packed everything today and weighed the suitcase...23 pounds! Now that is amazing since I usually take five changes of clothes for one overnight stay. Then, I hung everything back up so it won't be wrinkled and made a list of things I still need to purchase.

For clothes, considering the possibilities is a good idea, but some of the other scenarios that I come up with in my mind are troubling. I have been wondering lately about whether we should change her name. Are we just adding extra confusion to a traumatic transition? And, what if she doesn't want to be adopted? Everything and everyone she has ever known will be left behind. She doesn't know what a family is or that she needs better medical care, she will only know that we have changed everything that made her feel secure. And, what if she doesn't like us? Sometimes I imagine her ignoring us during our visit, or screaming when she sees Mark because she is never around men, or hanging on to us and crying when we have to leave her for months while the adoption is being finalized, or screaming through the 10 hour plane trip. What if I don't like her immediately when we meet, or we don't "connect" after all of this anticipation? Will I have the energy to keep up with a four year old? Am I ready for the broad range of emotions that I could feel during this time? Will I ever look in the mirror and ask, "What were you thinking?"

The honest answer is yes, probably. And, most parents would tell you that at some point, when their child was throwing that tantrum in the mall, or the irate driver was yelling because your children were throwing pine cones at cars, or the principal called with a discipline referral, that there were brief times when they also wondered, "What was I thinking?" It is part of being a parent. If we love our children all the time and like them most of the time, we have been pretty successful.

It is funny that I didn't worry about whether my infant sons would like me or whether I would like them...I didn't even think about it. I'm guessing that most mothers don't, and yet many have the "baby blues" and experience negative feelings they didn't anticipate. Did reality fail to meet their high expectations? I hope that considering many of the possibilities will help me be ready for anything. I know that children come to us already programmed with God-given personalities waiting to emerge. By imagining all of the possibilities, I am setting the stage for a time of discovery and allowing Gracie to write her own script. I can't wait to see the show.