And Now...Senior Year

Yesterday Grace picked up her Chromebook for school. Somehow, she is a senior already who volunteers, plays tennis, rides horses, and prioritizes time with friends. The start of this school year signals the end and the beginning of so many things, but she only partially realizes what is ahead. She is aware that more independence will be expected, but she doesn't recognize the little things that will never happen again after graduation--lunch boxes for school, Homecoming dances, school bus rides to tennis meets, hallway music as she walks to class, and the comfort of familiar faces at her lunch table. Will these friendships follow her, or is this the end for those, too? I also understand that after homecoming and prom shopping one more time, the next dress I  help her pick out could be her wedding gown. My baby is legally an adult, and yet I see her 5-year-old face through the car window as she drives to school! It never gets easier to watch.

We have tried to make the most of these past few years by making memories we hope will last a lifetime. Our 41-state, 8-month motorhome adventure was a blast, then spending 2 weeks in DC this summer, and even binge-watching Andy Griffith (her favorite). And we continue to push her toward independence by sending her to church camp, accompanying her to college visits, and trusting her to manage her time with less oversight. I know in my heart that she will be ready, but I'm not sure she realizes it yet.  

So here we go... off to her senior year! The year of lasts and firsts for all of us. She seems excited to get back to school friends and routines, but I'm not sure I will ever be prepared completely for the beginning of the end of high school. We love her so much!

Sweet 16

 I'm always surprised at how quickly children grow up, and today I was struck by the maturity of the young woman who celebrated her Sweet 16 in Covid style. I know that the doctor tells me that we should expect maturity to follow the "Rule of 2/3" where 2/3 of her age is her social maturity, but I maintain that Grace is the exception to this and nearly every other rule. She is a strong, dependable, loyal, caring, and surprisingly witty Freshman in High School.

Her birthday consisted of ordering take out from Toki, the Chinese restaurant that usually offers hibachi-style dining and double chocolate fudge cake, which is her favorite. Daddy gave her a remote-controlled helicopter which I think he wanted even more than Grace, a subscription to Disney Plus from two of her brothers, a Scattegories game, and a Chord Buddy to help her learn to play the guitar. Her tender heart showed as she read her card and she cried at the sentiment that told her how proud we are of the young woman that she has become. Then in true teen fashion, she complained that she didn't want any pictures if she looked like she was crying. Her Asoka Tano sweatshirt, which is still delayed in shipment, will finish off her presents eventually. 

But, every year on this day, I wonder if her birth mother is thinking about the daughter who lives on the other side of the globe and all of the heartbreaking decisions that she made on this day 16 years ago. Decisions that gave us the blessing of a beautiful daughter. It is fitting that this week, Grace had to navigate the questions herself when she was asked to design a crest for History class that included her birth order and the conundrum of deciding whether to include Bulgarian siblings and half-siblings who she has never met in the project. 

Happy Birthday, Sweet Potato! We love you more than you will ever know!

Happy 16th Birthday!

Finding the Positive

From the mouths of babes...I constantly strive to learn every day, but being Grace's mom has taught me more than most of the rest of my life's experiences combined. This week, we followed up with her geneticist and started her daily growth hormone injections. Her tiny arms, pocked with scars from blood draws and pic lines, are once again being bombarded daily as she is challenged to trust and overcome her needle phobia. It didn't help that I poked her on day 3 without first calibrating the dose in the injection pen. Yes, I stabbed her thigh without giving the needed prescription. But beyond all of this, I saw the true courage and heart God gave her while talking to Dr. Braddock at Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. 

Maturity has brought fresh questions about adoption and her Bulgarian past. We encourage Grace to embrace with pride and confidence the unique story that is her life. The story that God planned and orchestrated for her before she took her first breath. Some of the questions we expected to be important have not yet come to her consciousness, but others have had more pressing importance. 

The first detail she wanted was unexpected-- the time of her birth. But, she rejoiced in knowing the exact time of day that she was born. The next question, "Do I have any other siblings?" was a question that we had expected and dreaded sharing. I had anticipated this information could be troubling, because Grace is such a loving extrovert who counts her brothers as her best friends. (She even begs for a brother, sister, or at least a dog!) I kept wondering, "Will she mourn the loss of those other relationships? Desire contact with people who are unknown to us?" But, in true Grace style, she embraced those new facts with shrieks of happiness. Knowing brought her comfort, pride, and personal affirmation rather than pain. She even begged to call each of her brothers to tell them the good news, "I have 7 siblings," as if this knowledge was a personal gift from her loving, heavenly father. Not once did she ask, "Why did my birth mom keep my Bulgarian siblings and leave me at the orphanage"  or "Why didn't she visit me after I left the hospital?" or "Why didn't she want to keep me?" Her faith in God's plan is so genuine that she has not considered those "whys." Yet.

Grace faced her first explanation of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome with the same positive perspective. As Dr. Braddock explained that her birth mother drank during her pregnancy causing her short stature, learning problems, and many medical concerns, I snuggled her close to my side in the small, yellow examining room. I studied her reaction intently, waiting for the pain to register, but it didn't. Without hesitation, she smiled and told the doctor, "Well, she probably drank before she knew I was growing inside her. That can happen, right?" Amazing. She had no anger, animosity, or concern. She simply accepted the information as if she was told that we were having hamburgers for supper. She decided to believe the best possible explanation.  

God knew when he brought Grace to us that I needed her as much, or maybe more than she was going to need me. She teaches me daily to rest in God's plan, to look for the good in every person, and to appreciate even the smallest details of life. Her joy is contagious, too. You know, I am truly glad that she has siblings on the other side of the world, and that she is here with me by God's divine handiwork. Thank you, God, for caring about the tiniest details in our lives, even the exact timing of our first breath. 

Our Social Chairman

Just sitting here watching my favorite girl in her element...any group of children. She has a way, especially with youngers, of drawing them into organized play. Here at the campground, she knows the names of most of the children, recognizes them later at the pool, and has no fear in asking kids to play with her. Sometimes, she gets preschoolers together at the playground, asks them how far they can count, and sets up hide and seek or tag games with them. She particularly likes little boys and they follow her around wherever she goes. Today, though, my mind is drifting as I watch her taking on a group of girls who are head and shoulders taller than she is. How will she deal with limited activity and restrictions after back surgery?

After getting a second and third opinion 9 months ago, we agreed with our thoracic and one orthopedic surgeon and opted not to begin scoliosis bracing, but rather to discontinue the pectus intervention. The ortho opted not to take x-rays again and told us to come back in six months. It looks like it was a terrible, wrong decision in hind sight. Now the same orthopedic surgeon is telling us that she is no longer a candidate for bracing, that we should have had her back to the doctor a few months ago (in 3 months and we understood to follow up in 6 months), and that she now needs corrective back surgery. Apparently, we were supposed to have had an appointment scheduled with him before we left last time, but no one told us. When I noticed changes, I started questioning why I hadn't gotten an appointment reminder only to find that we didn't have a follow up. Two months later, we finally got in to see the orthopedic surgeon last week.

I am really struggling with should haves and could haves. This oversight may have cost my daughter years of playing basketball in the park, soccer games with her friends, and perhaps even several inches of growth. We have told every specialist we have seen this year that we want someone to help us manage her care and each one says something like, "That is the way that health care is moving today." Well, this system left me as the uninformed advocate for my daughter and my lack hurt her immensely. I have been tracking more specialists than I obviously can handle. In the past 6 months we have been referred to an endocrinologist, who sent us to a geneticist, to a neuropsychologist for a full evaluation, to a 504 team and an IEP committee at school, to a neuropsychiatrist along with her usual evaluations with the thoracic surgeon, orthopedic surgeon, dentist, optometrist, and primary care physician. Sometimes I struggle with even remembering each of their names! But through all of that it appears that I took care of what was staring me in the face that appeared urgent and missed something that was truly important.

It is time to call her in for supper, but I really hate to cut short her basketball game. There may not be too many of them in her future...

Tired of Testing!

The past couple of years have been filled with testing, probing, and searching for answers that continue to evade us. Is there something keeping our daughter from growing, is there some syndrome to address, some hidden secret to reveal? We may have gone too far...Now, I find that I am growing tired of the search and questioning the wisdom of the doctors who have referred and consulted as they endlessly encouraged our quest. Did we get swept up in the current and drown our daughter's confidence? Are we relying on men or God?

I think that Grace has started becoming aware of her uniqueness and started worrying about her differences. It could be a result of being 11, but more than likely, we have fueled these thoughts with visits to endocrinologists, geneticists, orthopedic surgeons, neurophsychologists, and pulmonologists. The other day, she announced, "I don't need to go to the doctor. There isn't anything WRONG with me." And she was absolutely correct. She IS exactly the perfect, God-created, version of herself. The unique creation that includes strengths, weaknesses, and limitations that are uniquely hers and a heart that is filled with God's love and divine purpose. We need to back off. We need to allow her to grow without so much intervention. The probing and testing are only making her feel inadequate and lacking. Perhaps, in our desire to be sure that we didn't miss an important intervention opportunity, we have shaken her confidence. Of all the things a parent can do, this is perhaps the worst one I can think of. I see this at school every day. Students come to class worried that they aren't quite adequate--not truly capable of being "good enough." Good enough to meet some arbitrary standard that eludes them. That feeling of lack can pervade everything they try to do with tentativeness and hesitancy. They falter when faced with challenges and question every effort. I never want Grace to feel that inadequacy because I know that it can be stifling.

So now, we have to refocus. We need to clearly and frequently find, highlight, and celebrate all of the specialness that makes Grace light up the room. She needs more celebration and less data collection. She can't grow to know that she is perfectly suited to God's plan for her life until she sees that reflected by those who love her, Daddy and me. She is looking for validation in our eyes, and we need to be sure that she sees it every day, every minute, with every word and action. So, we will consult with the neuropsychologist and review test results that don't really matter. Our daughter matters and nothing any physician can ever tell us about her should cause her to doubt that she is miraculously and wondrously made in God's image for His special purpose for her life. If the knowledge we gain doesn't increase her confidence and resolve, then it doesn't really matter. We know the truth and so will she!

Growing Up Too Fast!

I read a poem today on Facebook that just reminded me of how fleeting these growing years will be. It said that we should cherish each moment. I just kept thinking about how much I will miss seeing Grace sucking her thumb and twisting the neck of her shirt around her finger. In so many ways, she is growing up faster than I like. Some days I feel like I can actually see her maturing. She went by herself to each of the neighbors to solicit for the school fundraiser, counted the money and added up the total from the sheet by herself. Wow! She is definitely growing up! I miss my little baby girl today.

Books, Books, and More Books

I love hearing from Grace's teachers--well, most of the time, I do. Usually they tell me, "She works really hard!" (I also hear, "She talks too much and doesn't follow directions immediately." But that is another story.)  In fact Grace was retested by the speech therapist this week and her vocabulary is right where it should be for her age. I think this is amazing. In 5 years, she has caught up to her peers who have been speaking English for twice as long. Since she only has 30 minutes of speech therapy once a week during the school year, part of this has to be due to her new love of reading. I am so thankful that she won't go anywhere without a couple of books. In fact, we are trying to lighten her backpack load by eliminating a binder in her backpack, but she keeps trying to fill it up with books every day. Each morning we go through the routine of picking her favorite for the backpack and leaving the rest on the mud room bench. The next day the books all  end up back in her pack and we go through this again. She cracks me up! She also has decided that she likes going to garage sales to look for used books to put in her summer stack. I can't wait for coffee on the deck and a good book with my sweetie. Counting the days till girl time!

Third Grade Girls...Ugh!

I have heard it over and over..."Boys are so much easier to raise than girls." This year has been a continuous life lesson about adapting, rethinking, and stumbling to find my way. How can such cute little girls be so rude and heartless? Is it really possible that when I am not watching, my outgoing sweetie could be just as ornery? Well, this is what makes me wonder...

Recently my little 10 year old was invited to a pizza birthday party. This is the first party she was invited to this year. Yes, that should have been a hint as to the outcome of this event, but Grace was so excited to be going. The birthday girl's mom welcomed us when we walked into the restaurat and took the leopard print gifts which were painstakingly chosen by Grace and wrapped in paper to match the contents. The long table was just about filled with giggles when I said, "Good-bye." Grace seemed happy and ready for my exit, but I was keenly aware of the way the chatter circled around without any comment or interaction from my usually extroverted pumpkin. When I returned in an hour, Grace was sitting in a booth coloring on a place mat alone-- a sharp contrast to the giggles and laughter  from the circle of girls packed into the large corner booth. Grace smiled at the mother, stood up from the table, folder her partially colored paper project, and said her thank yous as if this was typical and commonplace. No drama or concern whatsoever... I tried to act as unconcerned as she, but continued with questions until I had a sense of what happened. Apparently the other girls didn't want to teach her how to play the card game they chose. Perhaps that was it, I thought and tried to let it go.

But then we went to the basketball game. Grace sat down in the carpeted, gym foyer to change into her basketball shoes at about the time a classmate walked through the gym door.

"Hi, Payton," she quipped excitedly while she waved.

Silence and no acknowledgement. "Oh, perhaps she didn't notice her sitting there on the floor," I reassured myself.

As we entered the gym a few minutes later, Grace spotted Payton and two friends on the third row of the bleachers behind 4 of their other teammates. Cheerfully, Grace requested, "Can I sit with my team?" And with a nod from me she skipped away proudly and sat on the bleacher behind the rest of the crew. Something didn't seem right about the way the girls ignored her greetings, though, so this time Mark and I chose seats behind Grace about halfway up the stack of wooden bleachers to inconspicuously observe. Whispering and nodding... Tapping shoulders and more nodding... Sideways glances and then carefully orchestrated movements...Three girls stood up and hustled into the foyer and around the corner. Then Payton and the two pawns sitting next to her slid down the bench, hustled up the bleacher stairs, and slid back into an empty bench at the other end of the gym without saying a word to Grace. Grace looked after them and focused on their movements until they settled into their new distant location. A little later the foyer crew joined Payton, too. Still coincidence?

And finally this week, Grace came home with a question. "Mom, who gave me my name? Mrs. L., my teacher, really wants to know. I told her my other mom did, because I didn't know and everybody was listening and waiting. " Hmm... That is a good question, Grace. One to which we don't know the answer. A question filled with undertones of abandonment and neglect. A question that I am sure no other child in the class wonders about. Just one more way that our 38 pound, ADHD, 10 year old is different from her classmates. And now this novelty was questioned in front of an entire class of 3rd grade students; the same students who already exclude her at parties and move to avoid her at basketball games.

 My mama dander is ruffled, and I have to remind myself to be slow to anger and not easily offended over and over these days. I did send a carefully worded email to her teacher explaining why it would be best not share Grace's personal adoption story with her peers, but it is really difficult to address this with a colleague who wll sit across the table from me at the next staff training.

And now, I have to move on. Not just for my spiritual health, but because now we need to deal with the girls throwing blocks at Grace during Wednesday night kids church.  Oh, yeah, and she nailed them with some, too. She might have started it. I'm not naive enough to think she has no responsibility in this. In fact, I see that she is the common denominator. Grace has a strong personality. She likes completion, Star Wars, basketball, and Wilkie -talkies. She said that she doesn't even try to play with the girls at school anymore. They seem to be a better fit for her right now.

 We have decided that for now, it just isn't worth the struggle. We are taking a break. She doesn't need to be facing this much rejection all at once. Maybe we will try 4-H or just take our family camping.

Summer Fun 2013

Grace learned to ride her bike without training wheels, swam across the pool in the deep end, and went to four camps this summer! We took trips to the Bulgarian Reunion in Ohio, the state fair, and Disney World, too. She loved Zoo Kids, especially her counselor and volleyball, basketball, and soccer camps. She might be small, but she is tough and competitive. She is 46" tall and 34 pounds now. This summer, boys and girls from the neighborhood rang the doorbell nearly everyday asking her to ride bikes or play basketball. Still her favorite is four square. Here is a picture of all the girls at volleyball camp. When they passed out the camp shirts, Grace was so excited because they called her name first. She said, "They liked me best!" She probably had the smallest shirt, but I'm not going to tell her that.

Adam really makes an effort to spend time with her. He would stop by just to play every week and rode rides with her at the Celebration. They have water fights, too! He is so good with her. I am truly blessed.

St. Louis Report

Sometimes God's goodness overwhelms me, and today I am feeling His awesome power. We trekked to Washington University Center for Advanced Medicine for a recheck with Dr. Bridwell on the scoliosis. A year ago her curvature had progressed from 22 degrees to 25 degrees, and the doctor discussed treatment options: bracing and surgery. He also explained the progressive nature of this condition and told us that typically children diagnosed at such an early age progress fairly quickly. The idea of inserting an expandable rod by her spine broke my heart. Grace is such an active, spunky girl that I hoped we could find another option. I even asked about exercise, which has not been proven effective. But, we forgot that the doctor wasn't really the one in charge here.

The minute we entered the exam room, we were anticipating a good report...even our untrained eyes could tell. We even photographed the films because we anticipated a good report. Sure enough, the curve has improved by 8 degrees in one year, and Grace has grown an inch since August! When the intern talked to us, I asked about the improvement and he said, "Well, it is unusual." Dr. Bridwell came in with his entourage, looked at the X-rays, and said, "She is bracing, right?" When we told him she was not, he checked her posture and told us her muscles were obviously supporting her trunk better, since the curve improved, and put us on a yearly recheck schedule, up from the 6-month schedule we have been following. Yes, we witnessed another miracle.

But, that is not new. Every day she reminds me that my Heavenly Father has given me more than I ever could have hoped for or imagined. Grace is just that...evidence of God's grace and mercy. Here we have a .75 kg infant, born to poverty in a foreign country, who spent 10 months in a hospital without any parents advocating for her. Even with the best medical care, her prognosis must have been grim. So as she reads her Clifford the Big Red Dog book in the car during the trip, squeals while playing "swords" with the boys in the bounce house at Magic House, and hugs her Molly American Girl Doll, I can't help but feel awe and wonder over this blessing. Why God chose us to witness these miracles, I may never know, but I am so thankful that He did.

What a Difference a Couple of Years Make

We just got back from vacationing and Grace's favorite things to do were ride her bike (still with training wheels), do two flips under the water in the pool, pretend she is the teacher and correct her 2 unruly students (Mom and Dad), and do "homework" on her computer. Obviously, she has spent a year in school modeling her teacher and watches Mommy finishing up her extra 32 hours past her master's degree to move up on our local teacher's pay scale. She makes connections and evaluates everything. Here is my latest cute story:

We went to Mark Twain Cave for a visit and Grace wanted to be first in line. She tends to process through her speech, which is a nice way to say that she talks incessantly, so I told her she would need to be very quiet so she could hear our tour guide. She turned and shook her head and gave me a you-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about look that I am certain I will see more often when she is 13. She kept on walking and yelled back at us to hurry up, so I gave her the same reminder. She turned around, put her hands on her hips, and cocked her head indignantly before saying, "Mommy, we don't have a tour guide, we have a tour girl!"

I love these little glimpses into her language development that remind me just how complex the English language can be to master...

Trouble at Preschool

Grace's experiences at Little People's Prep School, her first group experiences outside of the orphanage, definitely have been eventful. Grace is on the red light for behavior nearly every day, and I am growing apprehensive each day when I pick her up. Usually, I get a report about her deeds. Here are just a few:

Grace likes hitting and pushing. She will even go up to other children without provocation and push them down. We have seen this first hand. I think it is her way of initiating a game of tag, but it is much rougher than most of the other children are used to. She is often in time out and gets numerous warnings during nap time. One day, they told me that she got 7 warnings during nap time because she refused to lay still and rest. I asked about giving her some books or a small toy to play with, but the teachers said that wouldn't be fair to the other children. I really don't care what they think is fair, but they wouldn't budge on this. So, I guess that they will continue to struggle with her during that 2 hour nap time!

Grace talks to herself and others all the time, at home and at pre-school, so she often gets in trouble for this, too. She has wet her pants a couple of times because she didn't want to stop playing to go to the bathroom, she pulled her pants down once in front of some other children, and she took a pair of scissors and started to cut off a girl's very long blonde hair. She has a friend that she likes to play with, Kaylie, but I think they get in trouble together. Despite all of this, Grace loves school, Ms. Teresa, and being around all of the other kids.

She has a lot to learn and unlearn after the rough play and orphanage experiences, but I hope we make progress with this before she starts kindergarten.

The Playground

Well, it took all summer, but Daddy finally got the playground finished. Gracie tells everybody that Daddy made Gracie a playground because "he loves me." We put one of the swings higher than the other "for Mommy," but she likes to lay on her stomach over that swing. Whenever anyone comes to our house, she says, "Do you want to see my playground. Come here" and grabs their hand. She is so proud.

The Pre-K Conference

I was all prepared for the pre-K conference today...I knew that Gracie wasn't really ready for Kindergarten and I was pretty sure that they would agree. I was so happy when they told me that she was NOT a bully and that there were several other students who really made life difficult for her. They were impressed by the progress that they had seen in her language skills, too. Before we left, Gracie gave her teachers all big hugs, and she wanted to take the baby home who had accompanied one of her teachers to the conference. So, it is finalized Grace will be heading to pre-K in August, probably at Little People's Prep School...

Where Did She Learn to Spit?

Okay, so we have been role-playing with Gracie at home to try to teach her not to hit. For instance, I will try to take her book, she will say, "No, no! This is my book." Then if I still take it she has to go tell Daddy that Mommy took her book. She thinks it is a fun game. Who would have thought that I would be teaching my child to tattle. (Something I despise in my fourth graders.) Well, today the teacher told me that some kids were spitting, and yes, sweet little Gracie was in on it...I talked to her about it when I picked her up and she admitted that a boy pushed her, she spit on him, then he spit on her. She was very proud of herself for telling the teacher that the boy pushed her...I think we need more practice.

Later at home, Gracie was "helping" Daddy build the playground when out of the blue she spit on him and started laughing hysterically. Daddy immediately put her in time out on the back step.  Oooohhh...I think she now knows not to spit on Daddy, who tends to be more lenient than Mommy. Do you think it will carry over to school?

Vince's Graduation Celebration

Congratulations were in order, and we finally found a date to get friends and family together to celebrate Vince's graduation from Indiana Wesleyan University. He finished his social work degree, and his final PE credit (Don't ask about that mix-up from an uninformed guidance counselor...) and his last class for a Theology minor. I am so glad that he is home, found a job with Head Start, and especially that he lives close by. Adam has been so excited that he decided to move home. I'm sure it is nice for them both to live with their best friend who just happens to also be their brother. God has matured him over the past 4 years, and he has truly become a man seeking after God. What a wonderful day to celebrate!

Even though it was in the 90s, we played ladder ball, watched the little ones push the bubble mower (Gracie's new gift from Aunt Jill's family), ate Italian beef sandwiches, and watched Grace splash around in the little pool. I'm glad the backyard is shady.

Family

Father's Day 2010

What do you get for someone who doesn't care about clothes, doesn't wear jewelry, has more tools and gadgets than anyone could possibly use, and buys the few things that he ever wants for himself. That was this year's Father's Day challenge. I finally decided on having Gracie make her own card, complete with a cut-out of her with her arms thrown wide saying, "I love you this much..." and a plaque that has Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," the verse that we clung to during our long adoption journey. Gracie was so excited to give him his card and present that she tried to unwrap it for him. Can you tell how much she loves her Daddy?

We headed to Bloomington, to Cracker Barrel, for lunch with Jill and Roger's family and Mom and Dad. Grace latched onto Paige, and Mark beat everyone at checkers...

I know that Father's Day can be bittersweet for Mark who really misses his parents. Today, as my dad was making Mark feel like a son and not a son-in-law, I'm sure Mark was missing his father. I never met Mark's dad, but his mom told me once that he was a lot like Mark. I'm sure that I would have loved him, and I know that Grace's namesake, Janette, would have loved Gracie, too. She poured so much of herself into her family and welcomed the boys from the very first day they met. I also miss my grandfathers today. I am so blessed to have grown up with my extended family close by. Happy Father's Day to Dad Dunham, Grandpa Wharram, and Grandpa Swaar. We miss you all.

It says I love you thiiiiiiisssssss much!

June Fun

June has been busy...playing in the pool, Dominic's graduation party, lots of overtime hours for Daddy, a few evening hours spent on building that playground, Blaise moved home and started working at the DISC, Vince moved into the townhouse with Adam and Chris, and pre-K four mornings a week. Gracie and I have even gone to a few garage sales, and Gracie knows that everytime we go, she might get some new toys. So far, I have found her a keyboard, a Little Tykes play kitchen, and a Leapfrog "laptop" computer. But probably her favorite "toy" is the Gazelle exercise equipment that I bought for me. She uses it as a swing. I hope Daddy gets her real swings finished soon so that I can use it. You can probably tell from the picture that they aren't in a hurry to get it finished...

Hitting--The Yellow Light

The hitting didn't stop! Wednesday when I picked Grace up from the second day of summer pre-K, the teachers told me that she was having trouble "keeping her hands to herself." Eventually, they told me that not only was she touching everyone, but she and several other children were hitting. I talked to Gracie about not hitting, but since I'm not there, the teachers are going to have to enforce their rules with her. She knows that I will "make her sedni" if she hits at home, so she doesn't. I really think it will stop at school if they do the same consistently. I told them exactly that.

Well on Thursday, Gracie came home telling me that she was crying and the boy pushed her. I couldn't get a clear story, so I put her in the car and took her to school. I followed her through the corridors to the playground while she repeated urgently, "Come here, Mommy. I show you." I gathered from the way that she climbed up on the blue bench by the playground that something happened outside and that she sat on the bench crying, but that was about it.

Today, Friday, I took her to school a little early to find out what had transpired. The story was, that Grace had walked right up to a boy on the playground and hit him in the middle of the back for no reason, while the boy was talking to the teacher. Way to be sneaky and subtle, Gracie! Obviously, this was not a provoked reaction. She planned retaliation. She says the boy pushed her, but who knows? the teacher put her on the bench in time out, and Gracie started crying, "No sedni, I want my Mommy!" (Okay, I thought the Mommy part was awesome.) It gets worse. After a couple of minutes, they noticed that she was playing with the kids on the playground again. She had gotten up and ignored their time out. The teacher put her back on the bench again, and she was even more unhappy, crying and saying that she wanted to go play.

On Friday, two children tattled that Gracie had hit them, but since the teacher didn't see her either time, they didn't give her a time-out. But the biggest surprise came when I went through the papers in her backpack and found her behavior chart. The teachers gave her a red reward ribbon and a smile for her behavior every day this week. When I questioned it, they said, "Well, she wasn't any worse than the rest of them." It must have been a rough week!

Grace has been exhausted at noon each day, which I'm sure doesn't help her behavior at school. She is fussy at lunchtime, putting her thumb in her mouth at the table, and has been sleeping about 3 hours every afternoon. She threw two more tantrums this week between the time that I picked her up from school and her nap that starts around 1:30. Grace says that she likes school and seems anxious to go every day, but I think the whole process of separation from me and the routine/expectation changes are weighing heavy on her. Even though I am seeing some changes academically--she can write the first four letters of her name and is recognizing more letters every day--I'm already convinced that pre-K is a better placement for her than kindergarten for next year. I don't think she can physically handle the strenuousness of the kindergarten schedule. And life is much better when she is rested! Even if she is ready for kindergarten, I don't think I'm ready.

Finishing my homework...Notice that I am writing the letter "M" and coloring in the lines!

Swimming Lessons

After going to her first day of school, Gracie started swimming lessons today at the YMCA, too. She was the only child who showed up for the 3-5 year old Eels class. After describing her comfort with being in the water, the staff had recommended this class, which is the most advanced pre-school class offered by the Y. Being the only child for the first class was wonderful, since Miss Bridget got to work with Grace all by herself. I was sort of glad to see that after being very comfortable in the water with Mommy and Daddy, that she clung to Miss Bridget's neck and was not nearly as confident with her. Of course, that defeats the whole idea of swimming lessons, since she isn't learning to swim while she is clinging to the instructor. By the end of the class, she had relaxed and was putting her head under the water and jumping in. She doesn't get the idea of the flotation devices, though, and did not want to hold onto that board for any reason. The whole time Grace was in the water, I kept wondering if this was too early to try to push her to trust another adult in this way, but it was nice that we got to sit right next to the water to see her float on her back while holding the board to her chest and while she was swimming and kicking her feet. Grace loved the 84 degree water and the shallow pool depth at the Y, but she still shivered when she had to sit on the edge. At the end of the class, she even jumped through the sprinkler fountains and was begging to go back to swimming lessons again. What a day of firsts...school and swimming lessons. Mommy needs an early bedtime.

First Day of Pre-K

After reassuring Gracie that her teacher was not going to be a bird, she seemed anxious for today, except when I woke her up at 7:00 a.m. She usually sleeps until about 9:00, so she was pretty groggy. I finally got her to eat a few bites of Rice Krispies and half of a Kid Essentials milk, before she climbed into the van. She has decided that she doesn't need any help to open her van door, climb into the car seat, and buckle the harness, so she did everything independently this morning, too. When she got to the door of the classroom, we waited in line as the children and parents filed in. She held my hand and smiled when Mrs. Born said, "Hello, Gracie!" I could tell she was nervous, because she didn't argue at all about staying with me, and she finally held her arms up for me to hold her.

The first task was to choose the drink for their break, and the whole process baffled her. She had to find a stick with her name on it; decide white, chocolate, or juice; and put the stick into the appropriate container. She has never seen a small carton of milk or had orange drink, so that made the task even more difficult, since the containers were unfamiliar. After picking up Gage's stick (since it started with a G), she found hers, but didn't understand what to do with it even after Mrs. Born told her three times. I finally said, "Do you want to drink some milk at school today?" and she shook her head, so I helped her get the stick into the correct jar for white milk. Then I walked her to the seat that had her name in front of it. When I gave her a hug to leave, I reminded her that I would be working on the computer at the school and would pick her up at the door to go to lunch. She said, "You're my Mommy, not everybody's! Aste obichem." Then when I got to the door, she got up from her chair and ran to give me another hug. I told her I would stay at school and wait for her, and she went back to her seat.

Later, while I was organizing my school files in the computer lab, I saw her walk to the cafeteria with her class. She was in the back of the line by Mrs. Beck, and was holding her hand as she walked. When she saw me she said, "There is my Mommy!" but she kept on walking after I waved to her.

Mrs. Hanson told me when I picked her up that she did fine. In fact, she was glad to see that Gracie stood up for herself. Apparently somebody pushed her and she hit him back. I didn't think this was a good thing, though. We have been working to curtail the hitting, which seems to be an automatic reflex at times, but I thought we had eliminated the behavior since she hasn't hit us for weeks. I think being around all of the kids again brought back some old behaviors from the orphanaage. (We watched her defend her toy bucket.) I told Mrs. Hanson to watch for that and use time out if needed. I hope they nip it in the bud!

I went to summer pre-K today!

My Calendar

Everything that has already happened is "yesterday" for Grace, whether it happened 5 minutes or 3 months ago, so I used an Excel template to make a calendar for her of May and June. Hopefully as she starts summer pre-K, it will also help her to know when she goes to school and when she stays home. I added pictures for Lifebuilders, school, church, swimming lessons, doctor appointments, etc. Grace had so much fun looking at it because it was her calendar, "not Mommy and Daddy's." She put her first X (which is actually more of a T) on the calendar today right before she went to bed.

She is so excited about going to school "to play with the kids." I hope that she doesn't get frustrated when they want her to color, sing songs, etc. She really doesn't care about anything except playing with the kids. We read a book before bed the last two days about a little bear who was going to his first day of school. As we were talking about Gracie going to school, she looked at me very seriously, scrunched up her nose and asked, "My teacher no a bird?" I had never considered how literally she would take the book. Yes, the teacher in the book is a bird. I'm so glad that we are giving her a short experience with school now, so that the fall transition will be a little bit easier.

I have been worrying about sending her to school, and I'm sure she can tell it regardless of how hard I try to make school sound fun and matter of fact. I was wondering if she could climb onto the toilets in the Intermediate School bathrooms. Will the teachers be understanding if she is worried about where I am? Will she think I am leaving her at the orphanage? Will this separation confuse her as she is learning to trust us?

So, to ease my fears I took Grace to school today. We looked into her classroom and mine, and I showed her where I would be working in the computer lab while she was with Mrs. Born and the other teachers. She seemed fine, of course, but will Mom be okay? I've don't like it any better this time than I did with the boys!

Ink Pen and a Tantrum

I think that vacation was stressful to Grace, because she had a hard time transitioning back to home. Today she threw a fit because she wanted to write with a pen and I told her, "No!" She ignored me and I put her in one of the kitchen chairs for "Sedni." She didn't like that and started yelling, "No sedni. I want to write, I want to write, I want to write!" Then she got out of the chair and went to get the pen that I had taken away from her. I put her back in the chair, she raised her arm up to hit me, but reconsidered, and then got back out of the chair.  I know we have been told not to isolate adopted children because they are afraid of being alone, but I picked her up and put her in her bed anyway. I told her that if she wouldn't be quiet and sit in the chair that she would have to sedni on the bed.

Well, after 10 minutes of screaming, "No sedni. Gracie the boss! Gracie the boss! No sedni! No sedni! Mommy no make me sedni!" Her kicking, flopping, and screaming stopped, I went into the room and picked her up, and she gave me a hug. "Gracie a good girl!" she said. I agreed and told her that Mommy was the boss and Gracie had to do what Mommy said. Gracie looked at me and said, "Gracie do what Mommy say. No sedni on the bed." And that was exactly the lesson she needed to learn.

My guess...This was the first, but probably not the last tantrum she'll throw.

Dolphins and More Swimming

We loved SeaWorld so much (and our passes gave us a second day free) so we went back today to see the dolphin show, play in the climbing area, and even hit the splash park at the end of the day. Grace had as much fun today as on our first trip, and the dolphin show was amazing with trained birds, a diving show, etc.

One of her favorite parts, and her parents' least favorite, was the playground. The whole 3 story complex is a series of tunnels, rope ladders, tire swings, etc. that are designed for children and small, agile adults. Think McDonald's playground on steroids... I was able to duck walk through most of the tunnels, but poor Mark was climbing on bare knees most of the time. I may feel like I fell off the thing when I wake up tomorrow...Perhaps I will have to start working out to keep up with Grace...Then again, maybe I'll buy a really big camera and just stand around as the chief photographer...:-)

At one point today, Grace wandered ahead of us, and the way that the sun was shining when she turned around, we could tell that she couldn't see us. Since we had been struggling to keep her near us, we stayed back a minute, watched her, and waited. She ran to the left, stopped and looked around, then ran right, stopped and looked around before she saw us behind her. She started laughing and said, "I couldn't find Mommy and Daddy." We hugged her and talked about staying close to us, but I doubt that she will remember for very long. She did stay closer for the rest of the day.

Grace is so friendly, confident, and out-going that we worry that she may not really be bonding with us like she should. Is any adult fine with her? Would she walk away with a stranger and never think twice? Does she recognize "family" as a list of names, or does she understand that we are her only caretakers and protectors? Is her friendliness an outgrowth of her orphanage upbringing where being charming got her more attention, or is she just a social butterfly? "Bonding" is such an abstract concept...

At the end of the day, Grace hit the splash park for a few minutes right before the park closed. We will have to go to a splash park again soon. She layed on the ground, jumped around, and squealed the whole time.

Back at the hotel, we swam in the pool again. Grace is so brave. She jumps in from the side and swims to us, opens her eyes under the water, splashes, and even will swim about 8 feet between Mommy and Daddy. Maybe she thinks she is a dolphin...

This is only part of the playground area...

Sand and Water...The Beach!

Today we headed to Ft. Lauderdale, checked into the hotel, and drove to the beach. Gracie figured out first hand that sand and water make a beach. Here's how she would probably describe it:

1. The water tastes yucky.
2. The waves push you down so you have to hang onto Mommy and Daddy.
3. The sand gets stuck on your feet.
4. You can push a button to make a shower go on outside.
5. The water knocks over the sand houses you made with the bucket.
6. You have to go into a restaurant to find a bathroom.

Pretty much, she figured out after 10 minutes that she prefers the pool. In fact, we went back to swim at the hotel in the evening. Gracie is getting to be a daring little swimmer. In the pool, she counts to three and will swim between Mark and me. Tonight we stood about 8 feet apart, she pushed off from standing on my thighs, stretched her arms out under the water, kicked her feet like a bicycle, and would grab Marks hands to pull up her head. She stays under the water for about 5 seconds. She also jumps in and goes under to touch the bottom, lays out on her back if we hold her head, and loves to splash. In fact, the hardest part of swimming with her is convincing Mark that she is okay. He is so protective (and uncomfortable in the water) that he expects her to be scared, too.

Where's Curious George?

With so many different venues to choose from, we really struggled to decide where we should go today. In hindsight, we made the wrong choice...

After reading online revues, we chose Universal Studios because Gracie loves Barney and Curious George right now. I even asked the attendant at the gate if the tickets we were buying were for the part of the park with those two character areas. She didn't bother to mention that the entire Curious George section of the park was closed for maintenance. Ugh!

I do think Gracie's experience with Mickey and Minnie helped her to warm up to the idea of full-size, furry characters, though, because she loved seeing George, Woody Woodpecker, and Scooby-Doo on the traveling character trolley. She even hugged Curious George and followed him around, still waving as the trolley drove away.

The E.T. ride and the Barney Show were the favorites for the day, except for the ball pit! She loved singing along to "I love you. You love me. We're a happy family," catching the snowflakes and leaves that fell from the ceiling during the Barney show, and even getting her picture taken with the purple dinosaur. We sat in the front by the stage, she danced around to the songs, and "ooohed" and "aaahhhed." I will never forget the joy on her face. I guess that half hour was probably worth the admission cost to the park.

After the show, we headed back to the ball pit even though it was pretty grimy from being outdoors in the middle of construction and repairs. She jumped, squealed, threw herself backwards, and tried to bury herself under the balls. By the time she said, "I have to go potty," it was too late and her panties were wet. I took her to the bathroom, rinsed out her panties and skort, and put the skort back on without her panties. She was not happy about that at all, but we didn't have too many options and it was time to go back to the hotel. I'm sure that the damp, cotton, shorts were really uncomfortable. She was even more unhappy when I wrapped the damp underwear in some dry paper towels and had her carry them back to the car. She kept telling me, "No, Mommy take it!" but I told her, "No, they are Gracie's panties." I really believe that the best lessons usually are learned when kids have to deal with consequences that flow naturally from their actions. I just hope that her strongest memory from today isn't a wadded up paper towel...

I Love Mickey Mouse! Not.

What would a trip to Florida with a toddler be without a visit to the Magic Kingdom? We had hoped that we would avoid long lines by coming during a low attendance day, and we picked the right time. We did wait about 15 minutes to ride on the Small World ride, but besides that we walked right on to most every other ride. Gracie's favorite was Goofy's Barnstormer Roller Coaster, which she was just barely tall enough to ride. As the coaster headed out of the station, her eyes got huge like saucers and she giggled through every twist and turn. "Do it again!" was the mantra we heard all day.

We caught an early show in front of Cinderella's castle and Gracie watched attentively from Daddy's shoulders. She loved watching the princess dancing and singing. Once Mickey Mouse came out she told us, "I go see him. Give him a big hug and a kiss!" So, we stood in line to visit Mickey and Minnie only for her to refuse to go near them. She seemed so scared and people were waiting in line behind us so there wasn't much time to settle down. Finally after sitting on my lap for half the pictures, she sat for a second in between the two characters for a photo. "They have really big mouths!" was her explanation. I don't know if she thought they would bite her or eat her, but she didn't like their mouths.

Grace also wasn't sure about the Country Bear Jamboree, which I thought she would love with the mechkas and music. She kept grumbling and climbing up to hug us as she said, "Mechkas eat me." As soon as we walked out of the theater, she told us she liked the little mechka that was swinging from the ceiling, though, so I don't think she was too frightened.

She is really fascinated with vehicles and asks everyone, "Where's your car?" when she meets them, so the Grand Prix race cars were also a favorite. For this one, Mommy waited by the track while Gracie drove Daddy around. She was so proud that she could drive all by herself.

The parade was impressive, as usual, and Grace was sure that Cinderella had waved at her. It was so fun watching Grace's surprise when the workers called her a princess all day long. Disney really does it right. The day couldn't have been better. We didn't get a stroller and Gracie was better about holding hands today. I guess she is learning.

After going to every area of the park and riding nearly all of the rides that didn't have a height restriction, we decided to do one last ride in Tomorrow Land before heading to the fireworks show. What we didn't realize was that the ride we picked was going to require to lines and an elevator prior to boarding. We ended up watching the fireworks show from the rocket platform at the back of the castle, so next time we head to Disney World, we will have to see it from the front. It was fun twirling around in the dark while the fireworks went off, but I think Grace would have liked seeing Tinkerbell fly over on a zip line...Oh, well, next time.

As we were leaving, Gracie asked us where Cinderella was, and we told her she was going to bed. She immediately looked up at the lighted window in the castle and said, "Cinderella is there, putting on her pajamas. She's tired."

"Yes, she's tired and so am I."
"I'm tired, too."